\t\t\t<\/p>\n \t\t\t\t\t\t <\/p>\n \tRelated story \t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n \t\t\t\t\tIf You’re Emotionally Exhausted From Your Relationship, It Might Be Marriage Burnout\t\t<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p><\/div>\n \t\t<\/a><\/p>\n<\/article>\n \t \n\tLet\u2019s pause here and point out that there\u2019s nothing necessarily \u201cwrong\u201d with not having sex<\/a> in a partnership or marriage. \u201cIt is only a problem if it is a problem for your relationship,\u201d therapist Lea Trageser, LMFT, of\u00a0Helix Marriage and Family Therapy<\/a> tells SheKnows. \u201cMany couples might be in relationships that don\u2019t have sex frequently or at all. That is OK as long as it is OK for them.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tA sexless marriage can become a problem, though, when there\u2019s a discrepancy in desire or one partner\u2019s needs are going unmet. \u201cThe partner who wants sex in the relationship may start to feel lonely and insecure about themselves,\u201d licensed marriage and family therapist Laurie Singer, <\/a>MS, BCBA, tells SheKnows. Resentment and disconnection can follow. Research has also noted a connection between sex and mental health, with one 2019 study<\/a> finding that \u201cboth being sexually active and more frequent sex were associated with better mental health.\u201d All of which is to say: if you\u2019re in a sexless marriage and don\u2019t want to be, you might be wondering whether you should give up and walk away or stick it out and try to fix things. But how?<\/p>\n \n\tWhile exact definitions vary, a sexless marriage is typically defined as a marriage in which you and your partner are having sex no more than 10 times a year, Singer says. And as it turns out, sexless marriages are more common than you might think: a 2018 study <\/a>found that over 15 percent of couples surveyed hadn\u2019t had sex for the past year, and 13.5 percent hadn\u2019t had sex for the past five years.<\/p>\n \n\tThis is more than just a dry spell <\/a>\u2014 it\u2019s a prolonged period without sex, also sometimes called a dead bedroom. \u201cOver time relationships change, that is just a fact,\u201d Singer says. \u201cThe secret is accepting the change and moving forward with each other, not away from each other.\u201d A sexless marriage often (but not always!) points to the latter.<\/p>\n \n\tAs any long-term couple can tell you, your libido can change a lot<\/em> over the course of a marriage. \u201cLife gets busy,\u201d Singer points out. \u201cKids, jobs, and illnesses can lead partners to lose their sexual desire.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tIf you\u2019re in a sexless relationship where the lack of sex is a problem, your dead bedroom is likely a symptom of a deeper issue. According to sex therapist Aliyah Moore<\/a>, the root causes of a sexless marriage can include:<\/p>\n \n\tStress and a busy lifestyle:<\/strong> It\u2019s not easy to balance work, family, chores, and other obligations. Now add to the mix the demands and energy required to keep up an active sex life. The weight of those burdens might be the cause of a couple\u2019s lack of sex, Moore says.<\/p>\n \n\tCommunication issues:<\/strong> If you and your partner aren\u2019t communicating well, and especially if you\u2019re having arguments that you\u2019re not fully resolving, you might start to feel emotionally distant and less up for intimacy. The \u201caccumulation of feelings of resentment, anger or disappointment may be a barrier for couples to be physically close,\u201d Moore says.<\/p>\n \n\tChanges in relationship dynamics:<\/strong> \u201cCouples may have some changes in attraction, intimacy, and desire for sexual connections,\u201d Moore explains. Some lifestyle transitions, like aging or becoming parents, may naturally \u201creduce sexual desire and frequency,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n \n\tHealth concerns:<\/strong> Physical or mental health issues like chronic pain,<\/a> fatigue, hormonal disorders, or mental disorders can have a big impact on your sex life, Moore says. In addition, some medications you may use to treat these conditions, such as anti-depressants<\/a>, can also decrease your libido.<\/p>\n \n\tLack of spontaneity:<\/strong> It\u2019s normal to fall into patterns and habits as a couple. When things get a little too<\/em> repetitive in the bedroom, though, you might notice you\u2019re having less sex due to simple boredom and monotony. <\/p>\n \n\tMismatched libidos:<\/strong> Many partners have different levels of desire. It\u2019s certainly possible to keep up a thriving sex life when this is the case \u2014 many partners do \u2014 but it can be a challenge for some. Sex drive mismatch <\/a>can cause \u201ctension and frustration in the relationship,\u201d Moore explains, as the partner who wants it more might feel inadequate or rejected.<\/p>\n \n\tWhile some people might not mind (or might actually prefer) a sex-free marriage, for other couples, it can lead to a host of difficulties. \u201cIntimacy and physical touch are part of who we are as humans and a necessity for so many of us,\u201d Dr. Elisabeth Crain<\/a>, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples counseling, tells SheKnows. Lacking that kind of physical connection can certainly impact a marriage negatively. \u201cThis isn\u2019t to say that you can\u2019t experience intimacy in other ways, but a lot of people connect through sex, especially women,\u201d Dr. Crain says. Often, sex provides \u201ccloseness and emotional connectivity\u201d for women; it tends to be more physical for men, who might \u201cnot be getting their physical needs met\u201d in a sexless marriage (though of course, any gender can experience either of those effects).<\/p>\n \n\tOther negative effects of a sexless marriage include:<\/p>\n \n\tWhen it comes to walking away from a sexless marriage, remember that no two relationships are the same and your breaking point might be different than someone else\u2019s. To find clarity, Singer recommends asking yourself a few questions.<\/p>\n \n\tFor one thing, are you or your partner getting your sexual satisfaction elsewhere? While some types of porn<\/a> can help your explore your libido, porn can also be \u201ca big contributor to sex in marriages declining,\u201d Singer says. \u201cObviously an affair can be as well.\u201d You should also ask yourself how important sex is in your relationship. \u201cIf it\u2019s a deal breaker in the relationship, then this needs to be addressed with your partner,\u201d Singer says.<\/p>\n \n\tIf you\u2019re deciding whether or not to leave a sexless marriage, you\u2019ll likely need to evaluate your relationship as a whole, Moore says. This includes looking at aspects like \u201ccommunication, emotional connection, common values, and how other areas of life are in harmony.\u201d According to Moore, some signs of a deeper incompatibility may include:<\/p>\n \n\tRemember that leaving or staying in any relationship is \u201can incredibly personal decision,\u201d Trageser says. If looking for specific signs or limits isn\u2019t helpful, know that \u2014 at the very least \u2014 safety and respect is paramount when you\u2019re talking about your wants, needs, and feelings around physical intimacy. \u201cIf there is disrespect, demeaning, or devaluing present during these conversations, then that is a red flag,\u201d Trageser says.<\/p>\n \n\tIt\u2019s hard to know exactly how many sexless marriages end in divorce, since we don\u2019t have an exact count on how many sexless marriages exist in the first place. Still, studies suggest that they\u2019re certainly more<\/em> likely to end in divorce than those with an active sexual relationship, Dr. Burrets says. One 2017 study<\/a> of nearly 18,000 people found that over 15 percent of married individuals hadn\u2019t had sex in the last year, with over 13 percent reporting that they hadn\u2019t had it in the last five \u2014 and people in sexless marriages tend to report more \u201cdissatisfaction that leads to separation,\u201d Dr. Burrets says, versus married people who have sex.<\/p>\n \n\tStill, sex isn\u2019t the only consideration when it comes to deciding on a divorce. \u201cThe likelihood of divorce depends on a number of factors,\u201d Dr. Burrets says, including the level of satisfaction in other areas of the relationship and the ability (and willingness) to communicate about the issue. \u201cOther features that connect a couple, such as children, shared history, and financial interdependence, are also likely to be considered when a couple decides whether to divorce due to this issue.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tIt\u2019s understandable that those of us in sexless marriages think divorce might be the only solution, because many of us view sexual incompatibility \u201cas an insurmountable issue,\u201d Dr. Burrets says. \u201cThis belief may stem from feelings of rejection, hopelessness, or the idea that a partner\u2019s lack of desire reflects a deeper, unfixable problem in the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tHowever, divorce isn\u2019t the only answer when you\u2019re in a sexless marriage. In fact, Dr. Crain bills it as a \u201clast resort.\u201d She recommends getting creative about how your marriage looks \u2014 and thinking hard about how much effort you\u2019re really putting in. \u201cRelationships are constant work, especially if you\u2019ve been together a long time,\u201d she explains. And \u201cwhile sex is an important component of many marriages,\u201d Dr. Burrets notes, \u201ca sexless marriage can often be addressed and repaired with the right tools and effort from both partners.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tIf you\u2019re looking to rehab a sexless marriage and resuscitate that dead bedroom, our experts agree that communication is key. \u201cSimply put, tell your partner what you want,\u201d Singer says. Specifically, Moore adds, \u201cOpen up and talk to your partner in a sincere and direct way about your attitudes, likes, and concerns on the topic of intimacy in your relationship.\u201d Just as important: \u201cDo not blame or criticize\u201d while you\u2019re doing it. \u201cShow your needs and care for what your partner is feeling,\u201d Moore says.<\/p>\n \n\tHere are a few other expert tips to get a sexless marriage or relationship back on track:<\/p>\n \n\tReflect on your sexuality and your partner\u2019s.<\/strong> \u201cLook back on times in your relationship and life where you were feeling in touch with your sexuality,\u201d Trageser says. \u201cWhat was different then?\u201d Maybe something about your life or environment has changed, like having kids, going through a stressful period at work, or experiencing less overall intimacy with your partner. \u201cReflect on things that hit your sexuality accelerator, and reflect on things that pull your sexuality emergency brake,\u201d Trageser says. \u201cThrough reflection and curiosity you can reveal a map that you can use to explore physical intimacy more.\u201d Then, you and your partner can learn each other\u2019s \u201cmaps,\u201d sharing these revelations \u201cwith respect and curiosity,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n \n\tIdentify any underlying issues.<\/strong> Stress, relationship disputes, health concerns<\/a>, and certain medications<\/a> all have the potential to tank your libido. \u201cSeeing what the primary factors are will allow you to deal with them properly,\u201d Moore says. Singer agrees, noting that issues like erectile dysfunction or pain (whether it\u2019s during sex or not) can alter your sexual relationship. \u201cWhatever may be the cause of sex declining in the relationship, be understanding of one another,\u201d Singer says.<\/p>\n \n\tHave some honest conversations.<\/strong> Quick reminder: your partner isn\u2019t a mind reader. If one of you isn\u2019t getting their needs met, it\u2019s time to talk. \u201cPeople get into trouble in their relationships because there\u2019s this presumed crystal ball that we expect our partners to be able to read,\u201d Dr. Crain says. \u201cThe most important thing is to vocalize your needs in that marriage. If sex is one of those needs, you need to communicate that<\/a> to your partner.\u201d She recommends creating a list of needs and sharing it with your partner in an open conversation. \u201cExpress that there\u2019s a deficit in the marriage,\u201d she says, and talk about what changes you want to see.<\/p>\n \n\tSchedule intimacy and alone time.<\/strong> Sometimes you need to literally<\/em> schedule in the time to be emotionally or physically intimate, like you would a work meeting or your kid\u2019s soccer practice. It may feel silly or awkward at first, but this makes it clear that intimacy and connecting with each other is a priority <\/a>on the level of work and family engagements. <\/p>\n \n\tRedefine what intimacy is. <\/strong>Getting intimate doesn\u2019t have to equate to penetrative sex \u2014 or any kind of sexual activity, for that matter. \u201cRediscovering emotional closeness through touch, affection, or quality time can help rebuild the foundation for physical intimacy,\u201d Dr. Burrets says. You can use your scheduled intimate time to have honest conversations, engage in non-sexual touching (like holding hands or cuddling), or just enjoy a moment of stillness together. <\/p>\n \n\tGet out of the house. <\/strong>If it\u2019s hard to feel sexy in your home (kids running around, a mess everywhere you step, etc.), Dr. Crain recommends going for regular vacations with your partner \u2014 or a quick staycation at a local hotel, even if it\u2019s just one night. \u201cYou can create your own schedule,\u201d she says. \u201cCouples can get creative and find ways to\u00a0reimagine and regain what has been lost.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tGet experimental.<\/strong> Sometimes the bedroom goes dead because of monotony, pure and simple. If this is your situation, \u201copen up to various solutions and experiment with new activities or new means to restore drives and enthusiasm in your bedroom,\u201d Moore says. Get vulnerable and share your fantasies while encouraging your partner to do the same, talking through what you\u2019ve been craving and how you can try new positions<\/a>, kinks, or sex toys<\/a> in a safe, consensual manner.<\/p>\n \n\tFocus on pleasure, not a \u201cgoal.\u201d<\/strong> Many of us have a habit of seeing sex as a goal-oriented task, where you can only \u201csucceed\u201d if both partners (or at least one) achieve orgasm<\/a>. This can put a ton of pressure on your intimate moments and suck all the fun out of it. Instead, \u201cdraw the attention to enjoyment and bonding,\u201d Moore says. Take your time, shift your mindset, and focus on simply being together and enjoying each other\u2019s company.<\/p>\n \n\tTake care of yourself as an individual.<\/strong> Like we mentioned, the bedroom isn\u2019t vacuum-sealed; everything that happens outside<\/em> of it impacts what happens inside<\/em> of it, and vice versa. With that in mind, check in with yourself. Are you squeezing in some self-care time? Are you paying attention to your mental and physical health? \u201cMake sure you take care of both your physical and emotional needs beyond the relationship,\u201d Moore says. Make time for stress-relieving activities<\/a> like exercise, meditation<\/a>, reading, or therapy \u2014 anything that helps you reconnect with yourself as an individual. Increasing your self-esteem and overall wellness \u201cwill ultimately help your relationship\u201d in and out of the bedroom, Moore says.<\/p>\n \n\tTry sex therapy<\/a> or couples therapy, if it\u2019s accessible.<\/strong> Therapy can be \u201ca very useful tool\u201d for those dealing with sexless relationships, Singer says. \u201cThe therapist will give you exercises, open your communication and provide you with the guidance you and your partner may need to improve your sex life.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tBe patient.<\/strong> If you\u2019ve been dealing with a dead bedroom for a while, you might feel pressure to fix it ASAP. What\u2019s really needed, though, is patience \u2014 for both your partner and yourself. \u201cGetting the closeness restored is a time-consuming process,\u201d Moore says, \u201cso don\u2019t be hard on yourself or your partner.\u201d Stay persistent as you make positive changes, don\u2019t let new obstacles demoralize you, and lean on each other for support as you go.<\/p>\n \n\tAt the end of the day, your relationship and your sex life are yours<\/em>. The amount of sex you\u2019re having (or not having) is only a problem if it\u2019s not meeting your needs or your partner\u2019s, and comparing it to how much sex you think others are having isn\u2019t helpful either. \u201cFor many couples, having a sexless marriage doesn\u2019t mean the demise of the relationship,\u201d Singer says. \u201cIt may be just fine for them. Working with some individuals between the ages of 60-80<\/a>, I\u2019ve found that sex is often just not that important to them. The couples still show intimacy towards each other by hugging, cuddling, or holding hands.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tIn other words, experiencing a dead bedroom doesn\u2019t mean your relationship is unsalvageable. \u201cWhat matters is what the partners want and need from the relationship,\u201d Singer says. And if you\u2019re not getting what you need \u2014 in or out of the bedroom \u2014 everything starts with communication. Talk to your partner, get vulnerable, and make sure you\u2019re on the same page to work through this together.<\/p>\n \n\tJump start your libido with these seriously amazing vibrators:<\/strong><\/p>\n![\"Angry](\"https:\/\/www.sheknows.com\/wp-content\/themes\/vip\/pmc-sheknows-2020\/assets\/public\/lazyload-fallback.gif\")
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\n<\/section>\n\n\t\tWhat Is a Sexless Marriage?\t<\/h2>\n
\n\t\t6 Causes of Sexless Marriage\t<\/h2>\n
\n\t\t4 Side Effects of a Sexless Marriage\t<\/h2>\n
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\n\t\t4 Signs To Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage\t<\/h2>\n
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\n\t\tHow Many Sexless Marriages End In Divorce?\t<\/h2>\n
\n\t\tIs Divorce the Only Solution To a Sexless Marriage?\t<\/h2>\n
\n\t\t11 Ways To Fix a Sexless Marriage\t<\/h2>\n
\n\t\tThe Bottom Line\t<\/h2>\n
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