\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\tAsha Elias and her boyfriend.<\/span><\/p>\n \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tCourtesy of Asha Elias<\/cite><\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n \n\tMotherhood, no matter what the relationship status, is a constant balancing act. Morning routines, pickups, drop-offs, career, housework, keeping the little ones alive, keeping yourself alive. The thing that no one talks about, though, is how divorce can actually relieve some of that pressure.<\/p>\n \n\tShared custody and healthy co-parenting came with an unexpected benefit for me\u2014time. Do I miss my kids when they\u2019re with their father? Tremendously. But I\u2019m also at ease knowing that they are spending quality time with a loving and responsible parent. It allows me to be more present on \u201cmy\u201d days and to figure out who I am when I\u2019m not being a mother on the other days.<\/p>\n \n\tI try to schedule girls\u2019 nights, events, and dates exclusively when the kids are with their dad, so when they\u2019re with me, I can focus on meals together, homework, and bedtime routines. This is definitely a luxury, and I feel for the full-time moms who need to rely on childcare for those activities.<\/p>\n \n\tOn the days I don\u2019t have the kids, I have more time to work, practice self-care, and \u2014yes\u2014let my hair down (and put on my crop top) to live a double life. The \u201csingle\u201d part of my identity is exciting and fulfilling, even though the mom guilt about not being devoted to my children 24\/7 still eats at me. Is it ever possible to truly be two different people in one body?<\/p>\n \n\tIt\u2019s a question that I\u2019ve heard asked dozens of times from my fellow divorced moms and in online communities, so I asked Dr. Mindy DeSeta<\/a>, PhD, a therapist and certified sexologist, for her clinical take on my personal duplicity.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cLet\u2019s drop the outdated message that becoming a mom means you have to give up who you are and pour every ounce of yourself into your kids,\u201d DeSeta told me. \u201cMotherhood is a huge part of you, but it shouldn\u2019t be the only part.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tShe also says that guilt is not always a reliable compass, and that sometimes we feel guilty about things that can actually be good for us.\u00a0<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cKids do best when their moms are supported, cared for, and emotionally well. Taking care of yourself, staying connected to your identity, and rebuilding your confidence isn\u2019t \u201cextra\u201d\u2014it\u2019s part of being a healthy parent,\u201d DeSeta says.<\/p>\n \n\tThe confidence part can be tricky for recently divorced women. For me, reentering the dating scene was almost as awkward as my first kiss as a teenager. I hadn\u2019t touched a new man in 13 years and was worried that my hook-up skills were embarrassingly outdated. Also, I\u2019d completely restructured how I saw myself, from once being a sexual being to now a nurturing mom. Those feelings, DeSeta says, are not unique.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cEmotionally, a lot of newly single moms are navigating confidence and body changes, plus the \u2018Who am I now?\u2019 identity shift. Many feel rusty socially or sexually, worry they\u2019ll be judged for having a child, or feel pressure to \u2018explain\u2019 their situation quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tThe conversation can be tricky. Many of my single-mom friends choose not to reveal they have children until they\u2019re mid-meal on a first date, and I understand why. They want to establish chemistry before throwing a potential wrench into a budding romance. I\u2019ve always been the opposite, oversharing from the beginning to weed out anyone who wouldn\u2019t be game for my balancing act.<\/p>\n \n\tSurprisingly, it\u2019s never been a deal breaker, and if it was \u2014 good riddance. Yes, as women and mothers, we need balance and to feel in tune with both our sexual and our nurturing sides,<\/a> but if forced to choose between roles, it should be a no-brainer.<\/p>\n \n\tSometimes, while on dates, my kids call with emergencies (real or perceived). Once, it was a sprained pinky from my son; another time, my daughter needed to hash out a mean-girl situation at school. Just as when she showed up at the birthday party, they take priority. I always answer the phone, but I don\u2019t <\/em>always drop everything to solve their problems.<\/p>\n \n\tThe same could be said about balancing work and motherhood or balancing a healthy marriage and motherhood.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cDating as a single mom<\/a> is a balancing act of personal fulfillment and protective parenting,\u201d DeSeta says, adding, \u201cTreat dating as a self-care act. A time to check into your sexy side. Logistically, you need to get creative with your time. Think dates on your lunch break or every other weekend if you have joint custody.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tI wasn\u2019t expecting how quickly it would feel natural to be a single woman again,<\/a> how easy it would become to shed my mom skin and rediscover a little bit of who I was before school schedules and playdates. Mostly, I didn\u2019t realize how much I needed<\/em> the second skin.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cIt\u2019s less about splitting roles and more about creating a holistic woman,\u201d DeSeta says. \u201cIt helps to think in terms of a compounded identity. You\u2019re a mother, and you\u2019re still you: a woman with needs, interests, relationships<\/a>, and a life that matters outside the household. The goal isn\u2019t to choose one, it\u2019s to make room for all of you.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n![\"Asha](\"https:\/\/www.sheknows.com\/wp-content\/themes\/vip\/pmc-sheknows-2020\/assets\/public\/lazyload-fallback.gif\")
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